Tired of Trying to Measure Up - part 1

Tired of Trying to Measure Up was written by Jeff VanVonderen, a pastor and counselor for many years. He bases his book on his years of experience in counseling and his theories about why people - even people from seemingly good homes and churches - are exhausted emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually and are, simply put: "tired of trying to measure up".

According to VanVonderen, most relational and personal problems boil down to a deep sense of shame, which he defines as "the belief or mindset that something is wrong with you." (p16) That's different from guilt, he clarifies, because guilt is an emotional reaction to improper behavior, something God created us with. He argues that our family and church systems have become places where, instead of being safe and assured that we are loved because of who we are, we are forced to perform in a certain way - usually impossible - and upon failing are shamed for our inadequacies. Over time, we begin to see ourselves as flawed, unlovable, and deserving of abuse.

One thing that particularly struck me was his description of idolatry - which he says is a trait of someone with a "shame-based identity". He says, "Idolatry means basing your sense of life, value, and acceptance on something other than God. ...it is...allowing what the neighbors think to control your actions." (p20) I was blown away by that statement. He goes on later to talk more about that and includes finding or value in something we do, or in how people see us. If, for example, I invite someone over for dinner and they criticize my home or food and that somehow makes me feel devalued as a person, I have been guilty of idolatry for finding my sense of self in my homemaking skills. However, that doesn't mean you should lie to me about it - that would only be encouraging my insecurity, immaturity, and idolatry. So what, he asks, are you finding value in besides God? What are your idols?

Another thing that I identified with was the "can't-talk" rule. VanVonderen says that in shame-based societies, the "can't-talk" rule is probably the most important in perpetuating the situation. You will probably recognize the "can't-talk" rule. It goes like this: we don't have problems. If you think there is a problem and bring it up, you are the problem. If we don't talk about problems, they don't exist. This rule stays in effect because everyone becomes afraid to bring up problems and talk about them, because when they do they are ridiculed and shamed, "viewed as unspiritual for talking about their struggles and feelings - things for which they already feel bad." (p30)

One last thing that I want to discuss is the dysfunctional versus the malfunctional family. VanVonderen says, "Malfunction is when something works but doesn't work properly. Dysfunction is when it gets stuck and won't work, period." (p33) A dysfunctional family is one that breaks down its members instead of building them. He goes on to discuss how family members overcompensate for each other, sometimes in healthy ways - if someone is sick, hurt, has an unusual opportunity that takes them away from the family for awhile. However, adjusting and overcompensating for each other can easily become very unhealthy. "Once a family has become stuck in unhealthy roles, the irresponsible member does not have to resume his place in the family. He is allowed, by the dynamics of the family relationships, to remain irresponsible even though other family members would say that they desperately want him back..." (p37) He says that at this point, it is difficult for that family member to actually go back to their role even if they want it because the family has become so adept at functioning without him that they no longer need him. That is a scary thought, and makes me question how many people I know who are not functioning properly in their families simply because the family no longer has room for them - and how that can be repaired.

Obviously there was a whole lot more in the first part of this book, but those three things really stood out to me and hopefully will be thought-provoking to you as well. I look forward to hearing your comments!